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RETURNING HOME TO YOURSELF

Nobody really teaches us how to love ourselves. Sometimes, our deepest hurt and pain becomes our greatest teacher that we deserve better love. Other times, seeing others being kind to themselves can be inspirational enough to make us want to draw the same love towards ourselves. But whatever it is, I have come to learn that there is no absolute nor a one size fits all formula on how to learn to be at home with yourself.

It took me 6 years of being in an amazing relationship with an awesome gentleman to realize that I didn’t know myself. I bet you are confused, so let me break it down for you. The last 6 years, I have spent it with someone that valued me at the core of my being; a respectful and a loving guy, a textbook definition of the perfect guy. For the longest time, however, I held on tightly to the idea that I needed to always have someone around to make me feel loved. The thought of having someone validate me and constantly remind me of how much loved I am, gave me comfort but the honest truth, I sought deeper levels of love from others out of fear that if I ever lose them, I will lose myself. I was afraid of being alone. Outside of my loving relationship, I was just a girl scared of her own company.   One morning, while having a one on one pep talk with myself in the mirror, as per usual ( BTW: Am I the only one that talks to themselves every morning?), unprovoked, I asked myself these triggering questions: “WHO AM I”? “Who am I outside my relationship”? Pierced by my own conscious, I broke down.  To be quite frank, I didn’t have an answer. I probably didn’t want to know too. Months and months of contemplating with myself, I finally made a conscious decision to go find myself…Alone.

It is easier to feel loved when we are surrounded by a loving environment; easier to feel confident when we are often validated in our being, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having all that. Hear me. But what happens when we reach the end of our ditches, when we sit in places of pure silence and stillness, where the only words we hear and the feelings we feel are those that echoes from within and back?

 I thought I knew how to love myself until the love I was used to no longer existed. Weeks of being on this brave journey of self -discovery and self -love, I soon realized the journey was not as exciting as I had anticipated. Suddenly, fear clouded me. “I messed up”. “I messed up big time for leaving”, I thought to myself. Before I knew it, I was back at square one in another relationship, doing the very same thing that I needed to change. Still WAITING on to be LOVED. When my last relationship finally ended, with a broken heart, I knew I needed to work on myself. FAST.. And so I did. For the first time in my 13 years of dating (I definitely qualify for a relationship veteran package ha-ha), I stopped searching for HOME within others and elevated the foundation of home within myself.  

Often, we give others the tedious job of loving us. We await others to show love to us. We seek what love looks like based on the narrative of those we love yet we can’t define love for ourselves. We want others to compliment us. We long to hear them continuously utter the words and prove their action of love to us, yet we often struggle to show love to ourselves. We are harsh on ourselves with our words, our thoughts, our decisions and actions towards our being. We are our biggest critics and tear our being down, yet act so surprise when others revert back the energy we so often give to ourselves.  We often seek external validation and use it as a measure of our worth. We enter a place where we want to be accepted, to be validated and reassured that we are worthy of love. Well, God is love;love that is perfect and in abundance and because he resides in us, we are all capable of loving, including ourselves.

I frequently ask myself, “what is Self-Love”? Personally, I have come to learn that Self- Love is an act of forgiveness. Forgiveness that you give to yourself for the way you that you showed up because you didn’t know better and sometimes, even when you knew better, you didn’t do better. Self- love is about finding wholeness in your individuality and authentic-self and being aware of who you are. The beliefs about yourself, the thought around your Identity and the deeds you do to yourself and permit others to do onto you. The act of loving yourself, is no child’s playground but once you get a glimpse of what it means and run with it, it can change the trajectory of your entire life

The definition of self-love is subjective. Choosing to love yourself looks different to different people. It differs from season to season, even within the same person. We are ever evolving beings. To those in toxic relationships and friendships, self-love could be the courage to finally step out of the toxicity. To those overworked and tired from their jobs, self-love could be a day off to unplug and rest. To some, self-love is about buying that item you always wished for. To others it may be a disconnection to a memory, a thought, a traumatic event, a place or even a person. To those in spaces that don’t hold room for them to speak, self-love could be finding your voice again in areas that try to shut it.  To others it could be celebrating yourself for whatever “small” or big wins you have achieved in your life. Sometimes, self-love could be going back to the gym after a pattern of unhealthy eating habits and other times, it could be seeking help, going to rehabilitation center or to finally look yourself in the mirror and not resent the reflection of your being.  Self-love could simply means setting out boundaries to maintain your peace and all that flows through you. Other times, it means chasing your dreams even with doubt and fear lingering in your mind.  Some days, loving yourself means breaking down the walls you have built around yourself because of past hurt and letting people permeate their genuine love on you..    Self-love can be tangible efforts, a feeling or decision but the greatest act of loving oneself is the work that you do on the inside that makes you to fully know and understand your true being.

 Returning home to yourself means you need to unclench your fist and let go. To let go of what used to be, to let go of the hurt, the pain, the doubt, the fear and of everything that hinders you from truly tapping into who God initially had in mind when he created you. Redefine what selflove means to you in the season that you are in.

Being at home with yourself doesn’t mean all days are glamorous, nor does it connote that you will always feel on top of your games. Some days you will feel that you still doubt, shrink and question your being. It is perfectly okay to not feel the love for yourself every time but do not overstay being in there. Some days you will run back to the same mistake that you vowed and thought you were strong and smart enough to ever go back to. Understand that the act of loving yourself is not a destination. It is not a place you work towards to and arrive. It is a continual journey of intentional self-discovery, on an intimate level and being deliberate about it. It is a process that fluctuates and differs with the seasons of your lives. Hold room and space for such days. Do not be hard on yourself

Self-love is not based on the act of self-centeredness; A deliberate act of feeling more powerful and dominant than others. Loving yourself is not about consciously hurting others and making them feel inferior about themselves. HELL NO! Loving yourself is about accepting the Love of God that flows from a place of joy, peace and good deeds. A love that binds and does not tear. A love that builds and not destroy. Self-love is about being whole in your individuality and that when people decide to leave or an event doesn’t go as planned, you are still able to process the emotions and not allow yourself to be defined nor reduced by the events of your life. It’s about finding fulfillment in who you are. As you learn to love yourself, it is imperative to understand that you don’t need to take love from yourself. Fill your love tank as much as you can, and then the overflow of that love is what you give to others. You are your NUMBER ONE priority.

Self- love begins at the place of self-awareness. Awareness is a derivative of knowledge; knowing who you are.  Kofi Ann once said “Knowledge is power”. I say, “knowledge of your True self, is where your power begins”. Go out there and create a HOME for yourself first. A safe home that allows you to be the real you, where your vulnerability, fears and all that we hide from society is welcomed. You Deserve a good HOME

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Anna Amutenya
Anna Amutenya
1 year ago

Wow Hilya, this is definitely the content I signed up for. Been meaning to blog as well but didn’t know when and how to start. I guess now I have you, an experienced being to assist me. The quality of your pictures is admirable, the page is well organized and articulated. I can relate to some parts and that alone makes me feel at home ♥️

Justice Sheehama
Justice Sheehama
1 year ago

Wow……im so mindblown by the relatability and authenticity of the content…….I too am guilty of being so hard on myself and never affording myself the grace of self love. Thank you so much for sharing and creating a platform for me and many others facing similar predicaments to return home to ourselves once again……………..

Angelina
Angelina
1 year ago

No exact words to describe how this makes me feel. The content is very deep and dear to me. Definitely on the journey to discover my home.

I’m proud of you my love.Look at you, you did it, I have been patiently waiting for this and more.

Naomi Van Der westhuizen
Naomi Van Der westhuizen
1 year ago

Wow wow and wow Hilja, this is truly amazing… Its deep. I’m so proud of you❤️ Thank you for sharing your journey.

Johannes Haidula
Johannes Haidula
1 year ago

This is lovely , you are such a mover , thank you for putting together this impactful piece. Lets continue our journey of Self-care and evolve meaningfully.

Lioba Linus
Lioba Linus
1 year ago

Content! Amazing….I am still lost as to what I want and as for who I am. This is one of the great platforms to help me find me.

Martha Iipinge
Martha Iipinge
1 year ago

Wow this content speaks of high volume and its well articulated…Big thanks for putting it out there Hilya and am sure its helping out many individuals in rediscovering themselves

Aino Makwa
Aino Makwa
1 year ago

Hey Girl…. I am so so proud of you, you have done it! WOW. It is the authenticity of this content for me. Thank you for creating this home for us…. definitely on the boat with you on this journey. ❤️
You an inspiration.✨

Genovefa
Genovefa
1 year ago

Your blog is finally up sis!
Knowing the days you kept contemplating and being afraid of the unknown (that it will jot work out), this, right here, ex-cuh- Yourse me! You have pulled all stops and i couldn’t be more proud of you. I already knew you were good at this, and this just confirmed it. The content is so amazing. I love it and looking forward to more my love

Last edited 1 year ago by Genovefa
Mariano
Mariano
1 year ago

Definitely, a great read, and I love the attention to detail (color schemes and pictures). Good job and all the best.

Veiyo Mwatihanye
Veiyo Mwatihanye
1 year ago

I know we usually look to foreign writers to read either about motivation, love and other things we might feel we need at a certain point in our lives but reading this just puts me at peace with myself and what I am thriving for and always pushing for those goals and it also removed all the guilt I have when I feel like doing me might be unpleasant to others and it is very exciting that it comes from one of our very own writers . This is an amazing perspective it blew my mind and somewhat so validated lots of things one goes through in this rollercoaster of a life.

Veiyo Mwatihanye
Veiyo Mwatihanye
1 year ago

And by the way I love the design of your blog I couldn’t have done it better myself

Irja
Irja
1 year ago

Wow! Congratulations Girl…It’s the content for me especially there by SELF-LOVE. It’s amazing!
I define self-love as taking very good care of myself and doing absolutely what makes me Happy .

Anna Amupolo
Anna Amupolo
1 year ago

Best thing I have read all year .
Thank you, I needed to hear/read the same exact words.
Also Congratulations gurl

Taimi Taaya
Taimi Taaya
1 year ago

Beautiful content my love! I love it, I am enlightened and I am cheering you on all the way!

Toini-Secilia Ndeumona Hidengwa
Toini-Secilia Ndeumona Hidengwa
1 year ago

You have finally overcome your fears, and I am so so proud of you. You have done a great job there, the content is very inspiring and teaching. I even felt bad when it came to the end but I’m sure you will bless us with more. I pray that this will help many people out there and you will continue to touch lives through this.

Kasai Akawa
Kasai Akawa
1 year ago

Amazing! I don’t think you’ll ever know how proud I am of you and your growth in terms of self love. It’s something amazing to witness and you’re doing it so effortlessly. So proud of you mama. ♥️

Samwel Amputu
Samwel Amputu
1 year ago

Congratulations Uyepa. Content is amazing . Best thing I’ve ever read in 2021. Well done, looking forward to many more

Ifigenia Amutse
Ifigenia Amutse
1 year ago

Congratulations on your blog mama, thank you for sharing your journey with the rest of us❤️❤️.Soo soo proud of you, Keep soaring.

Lizelle
Lizelle
1 year ago

Wow this is indeed a well written story. It’s tough in this world where we’re are constantly judged and as women we are pinned against each other. Thank you for this.

Regina Kaholongo
Regina Kaholongo
1 year ago

Thank you for giving us a great content. I am often drawn to your energy and content. It reminds me so much of the great importance of self assessment. There is so much to being in a deeper connection with oneself, it take so much courage too. Although truly I believe I am never alone, when I separate myself from the world, is to seek God validation and his presence, there is just so much peace, and it is more comfortable and easier for me to think I am never alone. Looking forward to the next content!

Tega-Omuwa Paulus
Tega-Omuwa Paulus
1 year ago

Oo Wow a queen doesnt have to shrink her dream to fit other people s reality ..
Self love is the whole package that boost a women’s confidence to go out there and conquer the world … Proud of you Hilya…

Auguste Kangwe
Auguste Kangwe
1 year ago

These are the things I want to read more in this new year! Congratulations on this beautiful blog! ❤️

Happiest 2021. Here is to more writing

Diana Nambahu
Diana Nambahu
1 year ago

You deserve a lot more my friend. A whole Gem …. I felt my heart through every word of your story, oh Uyepa.. I wanna hug you tight right now, it’s such a liberating feeling to see you spreading out your wings , Congratulations baby wange ☺️☺️☺️ Ah munh Hilya ☺️

Veronika
Veronika
1 year ago

I’m so so proud of you. Congratulations Hilja

Ndakalako Amulungu
Ndakalako Amulungu
1 year ago

This is so inspiring and it is exactly the piece of advice that I need in my life. There are times other people make me feel that I
am not being good enough. I am returning back home to me too. Thank you.

Ndinaelao Moses
Ndinaelao Moses
1 year ago

Deep, important, relevant, you define it. This is truly amazing Hilya. These are few mental health related topics we hardly speak about. This road is so familiar and it’s true that only after exploring yourself you are able to accept love from others and validation will be the thing of the past. Keep writing and God bless you.

Maano Shihepo
Maano Shihepo
1 year ago

WOW CONGRATULATIONS COUSIN. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU…

Morning Tongeniomwene
Morning Tongeniomwene
1 year ago

I’ve been on a rediscovery journey for the past year. It’s been a difficult yet wonderful journey. I’m far from the place I want to be. Some days I’m not sure if I’m on the right track but reading this, now! today! I know I’m doing just fine.

So thank you for reassuring me that I am capable and I can and will be exactly who I’m meant to be.
Bless you and I hope you always keep track of your journey always.
( smiling whilst typing this)

Elizabeth Moses
Elizabeth Moses
1 year ago

What a beautiful read. ❤️

Ester Johannes
Ester Johannes
1 year ago

Beautiful ✨.. Thank you for making me realize that I am literally enough and hence we should live, laugh and love because these are some of the best attributes of positivity..
I am so guilty not finding my home …. I love the content , I am so grateful to hop on this #self love#
Well done, Hilya❤️✨

Hilma
Hilma
1 year ago

This is really wonderful, this made me realize that I need to start a journey of loving myself ☺️❤️ Thank you Hilya

Helena Iilonga
Helena Iilonga
1 year ago

Wow, Hilya thank you so much for such a beautiful piece. Very knowledgeable. Things I really needed to hear and learn from. Lemme start working on my self.

Diina Shatipamba
Diina Shatipamba
1 year ago

My brother recommended I read this and I can’t quiet say how I feel but this really hit a spot. This is great work. Thank you so much.

Loide Jonas
Loide Jonas
1 year ago

This ❤❤

Gloria Paulus
Gloria Paulus
1 year ago

My Child, this is absolutely amazing. I’m touched by your wise words. I am so proud of what you’ve embarked on. Looking forward to more of your content ❤️.

Mona Uunona
Mona Uunona
1 year ago

I’m honestly inspired and motivated by every word I read here today… Your words are uplifting and so poetic , you are a blessing hilya…
Keep up the greatness within you. Super proud of the woman that you are.
This is the greatest piece I’ve ever read.

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