We all have been hurt (and some are hurting right now), and the fact that we are human, inevitably we will hurt others too (and still hurting others now). There are events and experiences that we are going through, that we will encounter and have encountered in our own personal journeys that have impacted our holistic view of life.
Some people have seen their parents physically (emotionally and verbally) fight and that became the foundation of what a relationship should look like. They grow up to go in exactly the same abusive companionships because that is what their earliest example of a relationship has taught them. They have become adults who have built protective walls around themselves and shield off anyone and anything that demonstrates love to them; because in true honesty they don’t even know what genuine love looks like. Others, were roofed under a single parent headed household ( and even in a household with both parents) and have seen their parents go through the pits to keep everything going and in their guardians’ attempt to teach them independency and strength, they however made them believe that the world will always be tough on them thus they fight all day every day, afraid of being consumed by life; fearful to ask for help and be humble enough to receive support because no one owes them anything, they have been told.
Many people have gone in search of what they had previously lacked in their childhood, be it the love and warmth of a parent, the acceptance from peers and perhaps even faith from a teacher and have tailored their entire lives to achieving their childhood needs at whatever cost. They still battle the fact that they had been compared to other kids and siblings so much, that they have learned to become detrimentally competitive with others, in a quest of proving everyone wrong. The fear of being perceived as stupid, incapable or unworthy has become the driving force in their adulthood, so much that no matter how much they achieve or how further up the ladder they reach, they still feel that they are not good enough; still have a burning desire for their parents to affirm that they are proud of them. Growing up, some have been called “Ugly” because their exterior was not found to be appealing to people who judged them and spent most of their times as adults masking their beauty and resenting the reflections from the mirror, all based on the words that have been spoken upon their lives many years ago. Because of their distorted view on beauty, they refuse to accept genuine compliments on their beauty without feeling people are being sarcastic. Others, our pains are not linked to our childhoods but tied up in the unexpected chaos of our adulthood, be it in the devastating actions of our cheating partners we once fully trusted, the disappointment of a dream that seemed so close yet so far-fetched, or the division of our loving family we once knew at the hands of divorce.
Truthfully speaking, people often show up the way they do because their hurting self and inner child that once felt unloved, incapable, inadequate, insecure is still in them; still longing for loved, to be told that she/he is still worthy, to be accepted and validated and still waiting for appraisal. That inner child still roams in our homes as adult, at our work places, in our everyday life, searching for healing. That hurt and pain that we have internalized, still exists inside of us no matter how much we try to cover it up with temporary comforts. We can run for the longest time and fill the void in us with all the money, all the women/men, with all the degrees and all the designer clothing Paris fashion week could ever show-cast, but until we pay attention to the silent screams of our hurting selves, we will never know the definition of true freedom.
Society teaches us not to be the most vulnerable because it is deemed as a sign of weakness. We have become nothing but a society that takes pride and boast in our inability to show our emotions. A society that mocks those who are in tune with themselves and sensitive to their pain. A society that applauds those that act the toughest, the strongest, the “Miss-Attitude” and the “Miss-I-Need-Nobody”. We have become detached from our own feelings, the very basis of what makes us human. Let me be the one to tell you that even the strongest people we know, get knocked out by life sometimes. The very people that laugh when another man becomes real with their emotions in public, do also shed tears in private. We are not immune to pain and we will never be. Pain is inevitable, it is universal and it demands to be felt. We can use all that is available to our disposal as comfort and temporal escape to suppress what we feel, but until we become a society that is not afraid to touch the depth our wounds, until we become a society that looks pain in the eyes and embrace it, we will never find true healing. What we don’t heal from, gets modelled and transferred, and all we truly expect is brokenness overlapping from generation to generation, coupled with intergenerational trauma because we weren’t brave enough to go after our own healing.
Your hurt is valid. Your pain is valid. That disappointment really crashed the being out of you and yes, your anger is justifiable. I will never know what you are holding onto and the depth of your burdens, but what I do know, there is freedom, absolute freedom in allowing certain things go and believing God, who works out all things for our good to transform and give you a new thing. Real Freedom begins in our ability to observe the world without allowing our personal past to impose itself on what we encounter now and going forth. I place emphasize on getting healing because our pain has a great influence on our decisions, the way we see ourselves and how we show up for ourselves and for others. Sometimes we do that unconsciously. It can affect and rob us the innocence of our untapped tomorrow.
We can never go back in time to undo or unsay what has been done or said, but we can find peace in our past and move hopeful into our future, knowing that we are free to turn over a new leaf, without being outweighed by the past. Hear me, there will be days you will never get an apology for the damage done on you, yet you hold the power to forgive. There are people that will never celebrate you nor speak the words you long to hear from them, yet there will always be room to celebrate yourself. There are events that you won’t ever be able to undo nor memories that you will ever erase, yet you can create new experiences. So, understand that you are deserving and hold the power to create new beginnings, free of what holds you back and what you cling on because it is what you are familiar with. Our experiences and all we have encountered will try to imprint itself on us, they will try to form the foundation of our belief systems, but as bad as they might be, they truly do not define what the future looks or should look like for us.
Healing, is being able to sit in the discomfort of the words spoken, the experiences lived and know that it no longer holds us back. Healing is a continuous, heartbreaking and uncomfortable undertaking of unlearning, that over time results in the ability to experience abundant peace, love and to ride along pain and not get swallowed in it. Healing is often painful because we are grieving; grieving our old selves and the pain we knew for long. Healing begins at the place of surrender and when we admit the magnitude of our hurt. Healing is a place of vulnerability, knowing that we don’t have to be strong or even pretend to be. It is a place of acknowledgment; acknowledging that we are hurting and have been hurt, and the willingness to really be able to recognize the foundation of the problem and solution to it. Allow yourself to mourn your hurting self as you separate ways is your new beginning. I say this in the gentlest way possible: the pain might not have been your fault, and even when it is, know that you are fully accountable and responsible for your own healing.
If nobody ever gets to give you the apology, if you never get to apologize to yourself, let me the first to say this to you
I am sorry that the world was too brutal to your kind and gentle heart. I am sorry that the world wasn’t brave enough to see through your tender heart. I am sorry that you gave your all to everybody, yet you lost yourself in the process. I am sorry that you got robbed of being a child and geared into adult responsibility without being matured enough to handle the role. I am sorry that you made a decision that you thought was good enough in the moment, for it to just crumble down later before your own eyes. I am sorry that you lost a loved one in the very season that you needed them the most and, in an attempt, to celebrate who they have been to you; their absence turned your world upside down. I am sorry that you had to witness the abuse and maybe abused by the very people that you thought would protect you. I am sorry that you never felt loved, that you went looking for love in things, places and people that couldn’t cater for your love needs. I am sorry that insecurity took hold of you and you began doubting and self-sabotaging every opportunity presented to you. I am sorry that you had dreams; big dreams that you chased relentlessly and all you met was one disappointment after another and you began to be afraid to dream again .I am sorry that the people that promised to always have your back, didn’t get to hold up to their promise end that you became afraid to make meaningful connections because you fear that you will be abandoned again . I am sorry that you gave your heart to those you trusted and all they did was break your trust, time and time again so much so that you picked up trust issues along the way and denied yourself chance to be fully loved and appreciated. I am sorry your boundaries were not respected even when you communicated the best way you knew how. I am sorry that you were made to believe that you do not belong, that you aren’t capable enough, smart or good enough to amount to something great. I am sorry that you didn’t have a good example of a happy home or good marriage, that you wandered around believing that good things don’t exist. I am sorry that your caretakers /guardians couldn’t raise you in the best way possible because they were dealing with their own brokenness and in the process, they broke you too. I am sorry that you anchored yourself to what you thought was worthy and when the whirlwind of life blew, your anchors couldn’t hold you down. I am sorry that you had to hide in the fancy word of “Short-temperedness” because you didn’t know why or how to channel the pain that you internalized and bottled in, that it became bitterness, resentment and unexplained anger. I am sorry you didn’t hear the words of love, encouragement and celebration from the people you wanted to hear them from and that you kept pushing yourself to higher limits just so you could be validated. I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry just because … oh I wrap you in the arms of your father who created you. I release that hurt you have held on for long into his hands: for there isn’t a hurting heart or damaged pieces of yourselves that he cannot mend.
At the end of the day, I hope you hold on to this- IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY. I hope you will give your best in your healing journey and when the process becomes difficult, when the walls feel like they closing in on you, when it seems the water is trying to take you to deeper levels and your pain is trying to suffocate you, JUST BREATHE. BREATHE BABY AND TAKE IT A STEP AT A TIME. I hope you will begin to be hopeful. I hope you will dare to dream again. I hope you will be patient with yourself and as you learn patience, you will become compassionate and gentle with yourself and others. I hope you get to see the light in your situation.
want to go for therapy? Do it
Want to scream it all out? Go to the mountain top and Do it
Want to write it all out? Knock yourself out.
Want to narrate your story for the first time? Do it
Want to worship and just be in the presence of your heavenly father? Do it
Do whatever you have to do but whatever you decide, know that HEALING BELONGS TO YOU. MAKE ROOM FOR IT.
And when all is shut, and you sit in the silence and stillness of your home or wherever you will find yourself, and all you hear is the rumbling of your hurting heart, I dedicate this song to you. I hope it does something in you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpSgrn5hFiA